Engel's Thoughts

I'll get him hot, show him what I've got.

2009-11-28T20:27:03Z

And I do. =P I get him hot just by being around. xD Let alone trying.

Heya LJ, sup?

So I haven't had a REAL entry in quite sometime.
So, let me update you.

Still working at Target full time.
I got in a car accident the 12th of November, and still do not have my car back.
Michael and I have been going steady since October 13th.
I love Micchael more then I've ever loved anyone, and I enjoy every moment I have with him.
He's now living with JP in Conneticut.
Um, anything else?
I'm angry/depressed/annoyed/agitated because I don't have my car. But I plan on seeing Michael tomorrow, I don't care.

Anywho, that's it. Going to get something to eat now, then taking a nap. So tired. x-x;

Bai LJ, ILU.

A poem about my baby. <3

2009-11-28T04:28:05Z

I can't help but think,
How far we've come,
Together now,
It's so much fun.

I close my eyes,
Remembering,
How amazing it feels,
It's so exciting.

You're my savior,
My knight,
You freed me from,
A life of fright.

The man who once,
Put me down,
You turned my frown,
Upside down.

I'm so glad,
We are here,
I was so afraid,
Then you fought away,
All my fears.

Free at last,
I can finally see,
Just how much,
You mean to me.

You're mine,
And I'm yours,
Happy now,
Hopefully,
Forever more.
- - - -

I love you, Michael! <3

Halloween. <3

2009-11-09T05:58:26Z

Halloween was awesome. Michael, Andrea, Scott and I went to Spooky World. It was a lot of fun. Live band, haunted houses, go karts. Great stuff. I looked hot. And I ACTUALLY have pictures this time. <3

Michael and me. <3

Michael and me again.

Scott, Andrea, Me, and Michael.

Same, just different position.

Scott and Andrea. <3

And yet, I don't care.

2009-09-18T05:40:15Z

It was dark. A cool, moon-lit night. The others were around, most chatting in the Tavern, others by the fires, or in their tents, already asleep. She lay in her tent. Pitch black all around. The other four who were also supposed to be sleeping in the tent were out, drinking, and talking the night away. It was just them, Jilth and her. She sighed slightly, and he looked at her. For some odd reason, even from the other side of the tent she knew he was looking right at her. His cool baby blue eyes peering through the darkness at her motionless body.

He cleared his throat, rather loudly before he spoke. "Are you tired?" His voice was strong, almost booming. Or at least it sounded like it was booming at this time of night. She blinked, looking over at him through the darkness. "Not particularly." She shrugged, sitting up. "I'm just cold." She said, shuddering, biting her bottom lip. He blinked, and chuckled. She glared through the pitch black tent at him, or at least what she could tell was him. "What's so funny?" She asked, annoyed that he was mocking her misfortune. "Well, if you're so cold, come over here, you silly girl."

She froze in place a moment, thinking. Was it really worth it? Laying by him? She shivered again, and sighed. There was no way in hell she could sleep like this, and he was always warm. "Hm..." she whispered, and he seemed to note how uncomfortable she was. "Well, I mean, if you don't want to..." Her eyes went wide, "It's not that!" He laughed. "Then what?" She didn't reply, instead she stood, grabbing the pile of blankets and dragged them over by his. "Happy?" She said, laying down. "Yes, very." He said, gripping her, and pulling her in for a hug.

She didn't speak. He felt her body trembling, and the warm tears running over his skin. "What's wrong...?" He asked, looking into her brown eyes. She sniffled, stiff, unsure, hurt, broken. "I just, I just...I wish you'd love me, Michael.." His grip lightened, and he seemed sorry. Yet he didn't want to pull away. "I'm..sorry..Ashley" Was all he could muster out. She buried her face in his shirt, crying lightly. He held her, wishing that he could have loved her, that he could have stopped her pain.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A quick story of Michael and I at KR, and how that night really should have turned out. Instead of the lies to keep me happy, he should have just said that he didn't love me.

Men are pigs.

2009-08-24T18:29:26Z

Do you feel like a man,
When you push her around?
do you feel better now,
As she falls to the ground?

Well, I'll tell you my friend,
One day, this world's got to end,
As your lies crumble down,
A new life she has found.
- - - - - - -

Gah. I hate men.[This meaning not all men, but most.]

Firstly I've worked 8 days in a row, and I'm tired, annoyed, and fucking in pain.
Well, my dad thought it would be an awesome idea to fucking flip out at me for no reason and beat the shit out of me.
Yeah, so I have bruises all over my arms, chest, legs, stomach, and one on my face.
So, thanks dad, you're awesome.

Another guy I hate right now is Michael.
He's so self centered and never thinks about anyone but himself.
I call him, he never EVER calls me back.
Never.
So whatever. He'll have a rude awakening when I get to RI tonight. <3

That's about it.
Work soon. Gah.

Did it hurt?

2009-08-19T04:06:34Z

Did it hurt what I said?
Did I tear you down,
Make you feel pain?

Did your heart ache for hours on end?
Just thinking about every little word in the end?

I never meant to make your heart ache,
I never wanted to break your heart,
Tear it apart,
But what's said is said,
And done.

You ruined everything we had,
With a quick slash of your harsh words,
Like a knife,
burrying me in sadness,
and depression.

You poison my mind with lies,
Make me wonder why I'm still alive,
Then I remember the truth: It's not you.
I'm not living for you.

I followed your every command,
Like a puppy following it's master to be fed,
Now I follow another,
Straying from the other.

I loved you 'Til the very end,
But I guess that wasn't enough,
~~My friend~~.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

This was written about someone after something happened today.
I noted it in my head.
It's funny how people can say things, expecting you not to agree with them, then when you agree they get mad at you.
It made me feel better to write this.

Just answer me this: How difficult is it to say you miss having someone around? Or you miss them in general? How hard is it to say you care?

ILU LJ.

Knight Realms = Fun.

2009-08-18T04:17:21Z

So yeah, Knight Realms.

Let me just go over the weekend quickly.
Left after nine hours of work at Target to go get Michael in RI, then right from there we drove to NJ.
We got to Raffs at about 2:30am and stayed up til 6:30am.[Well, Michael and I did. Teehee]
Was woken up at 11 by Michael's mother who's room I was sleeping in, and left for KR at around 2:30.
We got there around 5:30 and hung around.
I finally got changed at around 7:30, and let me tell you, I looked hot.[And for me to say that about myself is unheard of.]
I wore my dress, corset, loop silver earings, two necklaces, black and white stripped stockings, and boots.
Yeah, it was awesome.

So the Friday event didn't even start until 11:30 at night, but when it did I obviously felt a bit awkward at first, but it was fun.

Let me skip to Saturday because that was my favorite day. We pretty much got up at 10, Michael and I hung out with some of the others until the feast. At the feast we ate and drank.[Obviously] But I wont go into the food. It was good, though.
After the feast more hanging out, then Main MOD started and it was CRAZY. People were dying left and right so I had to use First Aid[One of my abilities as a Torturer] That's all I really did. I stayed out of the way and healed people mostly, so that was tons of fun.
Then to end my saturday I got to Torture someone!^^
There was a drow who we had caught and they asked me to Torture him, which was one of my favorite parts of the whole event.
So yeah, it was fun.

Only downer was a few small fights with Michael, and my car battery dying and having to pay $135 to get a new one. Joy.
Other then that I had a great time. I'll go into detail more next time. It's 12:16 and I have to be up at 5. FUN STUFF.
Night. <3

Getting ready for HXC Roleplaying, bitch!

2009-08-10T08:36:55Z

So yeah, the 14th - the 16th I'm heading to a larp called Knight Realms.
I'm pretty excited, Michael and I talked about races and classes for hours and we finally came up with one:
Human>Torturer.

Click for more info, obviously.

So yeah. They're obviously humans that are awesome. xD
So Michael and I are going to run to the store tomorrow and pick up some stuff to make some weapons.
I'm going to make a dagger, and a sword. Nothing to big, it's just Torturer's use a dagger for a lot of their special attacks, but you can you a normal long sword as well.

So I've decided to wear my corset and dress, with some armor Michael gave me.
Michael said that he'll make sure he'll hang out with me the whole time, so I wont feel awkward.
I mean, if I have a lot of fun, I'll most likely go to most of the Larps.

So yeah, don't expect me online for...four days? Friday, Saturday Sunday, then Monday night, maybe.
So anyway..it's 4:35am. D=
Got stuff to do tomorrow, BUSYBUSYBUSY.
Because apparently everyone in RI loves me to death.
I missed feeling loved.^^; <3

You change your mind, Like a girl changes clothes.

2009-08-07T06:05:40Z

You change your mind,
Like a girl changes clothes,
Yeah, you PMS like a bitch,
I would know.

And you always think,
Always speak cryptically,
I should know,
That you're no good for me.

We used to be just like twins, so in sync,
The same energy now's a dead battery,
Used to laugh 'bout nothing,
~~Now~~ you're plain boring,
I should know,
That you're not gonna change.

Someone call the doctor,
Got a case of a love bi-polar,
Stuck on a rollercoaster,
Can't get off this ride.

You change your mind,
Like a girl changes clothes.

'Cause you're hot then you're cold,
You're yes then you're no,
You're in and you're out,
You're up and you're down,
You're wrong when it's right,
It's black and it's white,
We fight, we break up,
~~We kiss, we make up~~,
You, you don't really wanna stay, no,
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Yeah, sorry. Just love that song, was bored, and figured I haven't done that in a while.
Plus that song kinda means something to me, the lyrics anyway.

Anyway, so I have work from 12-8 tomorrow, then going to hang with Andrea and Scott.
I also get paid tomorrow. WOO! -is excited-
Not really expecting a huge check, but I have like $62 to my name. So yeah. xD
Money = AWESOME

Uhn...I'm going to RI on Sunday 'Til Monday, work on Tuesday, I think it's like from...3-11:30, but fuck if I know.
I'll look later. D=
I'm excited, 'Cause Darleen just got a new dog, a Husky/lab mix. I<3Husky's, so it should be fun.
I also get to hang with Michael, so I'm excited.
I miss hanging with Michael.
But I can't complain. We're driving all the way to NJ for Knight Realms. Yes, I am going to a larp.
I'm kinda nervous because I've never done something like that, so I mean, I don't want to look like a fool.
But I get to dress up in my corset and dress, so that should be fun...until I can't breath. xD
I'll take pictures. <3 Yay! Pictures. Mostly of Michael and me, but some of just me.
I think it'll be fun. I'm really excited, so I mean, I get to spend a whole weekend with Michael, and I think we have to sleep in a bed together.
>.>; That's going to be awkward. I mean, I tend to hug people when I sleep with them.
Justin complains about that. xD Of course I didn't do that with Josh at ConnetiCon, but whatever.
I'm sure Michael wouldn't mind me snuggling him as I sleep. -shrug- I don't really know the full plans, so whatever.
I might end up sleeping with some random girl or something. o-o;
Awkward much? xD
But whatever, I'm excited.

So Saturday I have work from 9-5, then I have to drop my Nephew off at his last Baseball game, then from there I'm going to meet my sisters boyfriends parents.
That should be fun. Jeff is cool. I mean, they aren't his real parents, though. He was adopted. -shrug- At least he was raised right.
I like Jeff, plus I get to see the kitten! Yay! Kitten!
Though, I already have my little baby. -huggles her Ninja- I wov you.

Meh, I'm tired. Not going to bed until like...3, though. I figure I can stay up later since I'm not getting up until 10:50. Yes, I need an hour and ten minutes to get ready. The ten minutes is just so I can wake up, fiddle with my computer and such.
I mean, I always leave 30 minutes early, just so I get there and log in five minutes early. It adds up, you know?

Anyway, I'm going to lay in my bed, listen to music, and talk to my friend Jeff until someone else IMs me. xD
Night, LJ, and anyone who reads this.

Yes, yes it is. Conneticon Pictures!

2009-08-03T19:58:58Z

Josh dressed as Ike with another character from Fire Emblem.

Samus out of her suit, Pit, and Ash...or maybe it's Poke'mon trainer from SSBB?

Asuka from Evengelion. Or whatever. The only character I actually like in that anime.

HARLEY I LOOOOOOOOOVE YOOOOOOU!

Fallout 3, The Brotherhood of Steel. Pretty awesome.

Josh and the Fire Emblem gang. Lawl, he forgot to take his glasses off.

My favorite character from Soul Eater, Dr. Stein and Maka!

MASTER ROSHI!!!

Pain from Final Fantasy 10/2 I'd do her.

PIT!

Sango and Kohaku, Her brother.

Sora! I loooove you! I want you. T-T;;

http://www.livejournal.com/update.bml
Soul, Maka, and Arachne. Mind you that huge weapon Maka is carrying is HUGE.

DEATH MATCH PICTURES

First fight of the death match. Deku Verse Nemesis! Deku wins! xD

Next group of characters.

Jack vs Joker. Jack wins obviously because of fan girls.

Third group of characters. You'd be surprised how far the white mage got.

Forth group. Yes, that is a Ghost Buster, Sora with a wooden sword that isn't a key blade, Luigi, and Narutard. Don't know the others, don't care.

Lawl, Hunter vs Princess Tutu, and Tutu wins.

I would have more pictures but they aren't loading on my PB. Princess Tutu won the deathmatch. So yeah. It was her vs Deku.

If you want the other pics just ask. Enjoy!

Games, Death, and Anime. What more could you want?

2009-08-02T23:51:41Z

So I went to ConneticCon this weekend and let me tell you something: It was GREAT.

Let me start off with Friday, and what Josh Cosplayed as.
He played Ike from Fire Emblem and Super Smash bros brawl, more so from brawl, but he looked awesome.
Anyway,
We finally left at around 7:30, and got into Conneticut around 10.
We went right into the convention, and registered. NO LINES! WOO!

So then we were trying to figure out what we were going to do that day, and such. It was cool.
We met up with this guy John, 150% gay. Josh met him on FB apparently, and so he kinda stocked Josh, BUT WE'LL GET TO THAT.
We went to the game room after that, were they have about 100 game set up for you to play. We played some brawl, and Mario Kart and then left. They had some other cool games there like Mortal Combat VS DC, Gears of War 2, Metal Gear Solid 4, and my favorite, God of War 1 and 2. -squee-

We then went to the hotel, waited 45 minutes because Hotels.com apparently didn't book the hotel, but took Steve's money, finally we made it upstairs, and hung out there until like 3. We then went back to the convention and went to a panel called "How to talk to girls/guys" It was interesting. I enjoyed it. We then left while steve went to a panel he wanted to go to and Josh and I went to a panel called "Vampires Don't Sparkle" and ranted about the good old days with vampires, and how much twilight sucks cock. We then left the panel and waited for steve. He was pulling this shit that he didn't know when he would be out and all this stuff. Mind you, we hadn't eaten since like...2, and it was now almost 12.

So Josh starts calling John, because he knows CT. Well, steve finally comes down and we all go walking around looking for something to eat after dropping our stuff off at Johns hotel room[remember this. Johns hotel room] So we walked, and walked, and walked, and FINALLY found a pizza place after looking for almost an hour. We got in and we got an XLarge cheeze pizza, and steve got a litter of Diet coke, even though diet makes me sick. Also mind you I haven't had anything to drink since like, 4? So I was dehydrated. So I try to buy myself a drink and I only had my card and apparently they can't charge anything over $10. So I wasn't drinking anything. Eventually the pizza was so dry and greesy I decided I'd just have a little Diet Coke. Once I poor myself less then half a glass Steve is like "I don't get you. You just made this whole big deal about getting sick from drinking Diet coke and now you're drinking it" I was really annoyed and such at this point, but I tried to explain I was dehydrated and I only took a little. Pretty much that I just needed a drink, and he didn't get it. So I was like "WHATEVER I DON'T REALLY WANT IT ANYWAY." Josh was like WTF at Steve and so was John. So then we left, headed back to John's hotel, and John tried to feel josh up. It was really awkward. Josh kept telling him to stop/let go etc. I even got in the middle at one point. Gay people like him are just so...they should be shot. -_-;

We finally took off and got to the hotel, took a shower, and DIED. I was soooo tired. I hit the bed and out. I was gone.

So yesterday, Saturday we got up at 9, got some free food, and then went to the 'FMV' competition. It's called FMV instead of AMV because it doesn't have to be anime.
That was cool, not as good as AB's, but it was OK.
After that we went to a Plushy making workshop for like...4 hours. Mind you, this is at like, 12:30 and I didn't leave until after 4:30.
Of course I made one of Engel. I don't have a good picture right now, but after I fix her up a bit I will.
Her tail and wings came off. ><;
Anyway, after that Steve and Josh ditched me and went to some Final Fantasy thing, and I waited in line for the Masquerade for about an hour and a half until Josh called me and said he couldn't get to me because the area was blocked off because it was a fire hazard. WTF?
So I had to get out of line, mind you we would have had an awesome seat. Josh brought me some food and we then went to get in line, which was almost the very end. x-x
We finally made it in and got alright seats.
The Masquerade itself was alright, it was fun, and like AB they announced the FMV winners at the end. It wasn't as good as AB, but whatever.
After the Masquerade we went to the rave, and jumped and bounced around like crazy.
I was jumping around so much, but I think my boobs were bouncing more. xD That was painful.

We got back at around 2:30-2:45, I took a shower, watched Death Note, then went to sleep. You know, I'd rather sleep with Josh then Justin. See, Josh and I shared a bed, but it was fine, he didn't even come near me. xD Justin always kicks me and shit, steals all the blankets, etc. Josh really had no issues at all with me. xD

Sunday we slept in a bit, well, we were going to, but John called at 8 and woke us all up, because we were using my phone as an alarm clock. -_-; We slept 'til 9:30, got up, ate, got dressed, and made it to the convention for Cosplay Chess, or what should have been cosplay chess. Instead they changed it into "COSPLAY DEATHMATCH!!!!" It was like this. They brought out all the black pawns etc, and the people watching got to pick who fought who, and who would win by yelling. It was so much fun. xD
The winner was Princess TuTu, go figure.

Anyway, that's really it. I just got home an hour ago and I am dead tired. I have work Tuesday, not tomorrow thankfully. So, see ya. <3

I'll be missing you, always.

2009-07-30T04:11:02Z

So, yeah, fuck.
My head is all sorts of fucked up, so I'll make this kind of quick since I have to be up in five hours. >_o

I'm going to ConnectiCon this coming weekend.
The only reason I'm worried is I have $358 to last me until next Friday. So it's like I have to give Steve $50 for the room, and $10 for gas leaving me at roughly $298 without buying anything else. So gah. I hate getting paid every two weeks. x-x
Other then that it should be fun. <3

If you're wondering why my minds fucked up it's because of stress and guys! No wai! Guys?!

Yes, two in particular. And I'm sure you can guess one.
As of right now I'm not speaking to Allan I guess.
I mean, don't get me wrong...I really want to. I don't want him out of my life. I mean, I wish things could just go back to normal where we loved each other and everything was great, but I doubt that is going to happen.
I mean, I love him, I really do, but it just feels like he's tugging me around because he knows he can, and I hate that.
I mean, I get myself sick just thinking about it, being used, or whatever by someone I love so much.
I want to believe in him, I want to believe he loves me, and I want to believe that he wants me around, I just..I am so emotionally drained.
So emotionally drained that I've started getting HARDCORE nose bleeds.
I've had at least nine in the past...four days?
And these aren't just..like, normal nosebleeds, it's like, it wont stop for twenty minutes.
So I dunno if it's just stress, or whatever, but it's starting to be a problem.
I've also been getting myself so emotionally sick I've been vomiting. x-x;;;
I dunno. I can't say I don't love him, because I do.
It's killing me inside to just...not talk to him, because I love talking to him.
I just wish, I just really wish that something would happen and he'd love me again.

I miss his touch, his voice, and just being with him. Gah, I'm getting all choked up writing this. x-x;
But its true. I mean, I'm not fucking religious at all and yet I prayed, I actually prayed that he'd love me again.
Obviously since there is no god he didn't answer me, but hey, it was worth a shot. =P
Its just, he's the one that I lost, the one I really wanted.
But dreams don't come true. =P

And on to the other guy: Michael.
I hung out with him Monday and I had a great time.
It was awesome, you know, but it just it...he brought back feelings. Like he said how much he cares about me, and how much he would like to be with me.
But the truth is, if I dated Michael right now it wouldn't be because I love him..
It'd be because I'm lonely, and I miss being with Allan, and it would just be all fucked up.
I don't want to do that to him, but Scott said to me, "Isn't that one way of moving on?"
But it's not, it's not. Because I care for Michael, don't get me wrong, but...he's not...he's not my baby..
He's not Allan.
-sighs-
I don't know what to do anymore. I mean, am I wasting my time? Wishing Allan would love me?
Should I move on?
Or is there some chance that he will eventually take me back?

Now that I've let that out and I'm crying again, I'm going to try and sleep.
Night, LJ, at least you listen to me. <3

As sweet as a lemon,

2009-07-23T17:36:15Z

So, I hung out with Michael a bit yesterday. He couldn't sleep over because apparently my father doesn't like him. -shrug- But I drove down there and we just hung out at the mall and talked. I miss hanging out with Michael.

Anyway, so I might end up working three jobs. 'Cause when I was filling out applications I filled one out for PetSmart for over night and they called yesterday and left me a message saying I was invited to come to an interview on August 5th. So I might do it, because that would be awesome. I'd be making good money from the night job. So target, petsmart, and Brighams on the side. Woo.

Only down side; no time for me.
I mean, say I work at target 2pm-9 I can get drive straight across the street to Petsmart, but I wouldn't get home until 6:30. So i'd come home, sleep until I have work again.
I know it will be hard, but the more time I'm not at home, the better.

So it seems plans change.

2009-07-22T09:24:02Z

So fuuuuuuck my mom.
She was all like "NO U CANT GO DWN TO CT BC I SAI SO HO"
So I can't go see Andrew. -sad-

But instead I am going to convince her to let Michael sleep over because I have today and tomorrow off from work.
'Cause Michael talked to me today.
Funny timing because when he talked to me I was crying and really sick.
I was so upset and I made myself so sick I threw up and gave myself a bloody nose, and I never get those.
But he really misses me and wants to hang out, so I'm going to really try to convince my mom. If she says yes it'll be awesome.
We can play video games, talk, and just hang out like old times.
So I'm excited. <3

We never really were together.

2009-07-21T17:35:17Z

You could have been all I wanted,
But you weren't honest,
Now get in the ground.
You choked off the surest of favors,
But if you really loved me,
You would have endured my world.
- - - -

Work, work, work. That's all I seem to do, work.
Annoying.
I finally have a day off tomorrow and I'm kind of excited.
I think I'm going to take a ride down to CT and meet up with Andrew again.
It's his birthday tomorrow, so I figured it would be a nice present. <3
I'd have a great time, I bet.
With the navy men.
I just hope that it'll be as special as when he came to see me after I got off work.
He hugged me so tight when he saw me.
I almost cried.
And to think I almost changed my mind, that I almost lost my balance.
That I was willing to give up on Andrew for someone that hurts me just to feel good.
But not this time. I think we'll make a good couple, because he's always loved me.
It's just I wanted to be with Allan, and I stuck to that. I obviously look back now and wonder why I did, but whatever.
I'm moving on with my life. I have a job, a reason, and now all I need to a boyfriend to keep me in line.

Lawl I've gone from a BF that is...12 hours[?] away by plane to a guy that's only two hours away by car. Nice! I'm getting better.
I'm going to move on, and it's going to hurt, but I'm going to do it.
I have to, it's the only way to get away from this depression.
I have to mend myself, learn to trust again, learn to care. I have to, it's the only way to move on.

Full Time Job = Money = Car = Appartment. <3

2009-06-24T07:40:14Z

So, yay! Going to be getting full time at Target!

Here are my hours for the next two weeks.

This week:
Thursday - 8am - 3:30pm
Friday - 8am - 3:30pm

Week of June 29th - July 3rd
Monday - 8am - 3:30pm
Tuesday - 8am - 3:30pm
Wednesday - 8am - 3:30pm
Thursday - 8am - 3:30pm
Friday - 8am - 3:30pm

I know it's only seven hours right now 'Cause I'm training and we have to take a 30 minute break, but after training it'll be 8.
So yay! I win.

Voice Post

2009-05-05T19:19:39Z

I'm not feeling this situation.

2009-04-22T04:19:21Z

So, I haven't been talking to my father for the past almost..week? And my mother has some country dancing on Tuesdays, so I'm left to fend for dinner etc for myself. Well, my mother called my father and asked if he wanted me to make him something for dinner, and he said no. Well, she left, and then around 6pm he calls and says "Want Chinese food?" I said yes, and he said he'd be home ay some point around 7:30. Well....8:30 rolls around and guess what? No dad! So, I'm kind of worried, but I just figured he was in traffic or something so whatever. I just continued watching my movie, 'Yes, Man' which was pretty good. Anyway, the phone rang and I ran to get it and saw it was "The Royal Dynasty" calling, which is the Chinese food place we order from when we get it. So I'm thinking "Maybe his cellphone died and he just wants to tell me he's going to be a bit late." Well, fuck, was I wrong. So, I picked up and this was my conversation:

Me: Hello?
Jerry: Hi, this is Jerry from Royal Dynasty.
Me: Oh, hi!
Jerry: How are you tonight?
Me: Everything's good. Is everything alright?
Jerry: Well, your father is here, and he's had a few to many drinks. I really don't think he should be driving. Is there any way you can pick him up?
Me: ...Oh, yeah, I'll be there soon.
Jerry: Thank you so much, bye.
Me: Goodbye.

So now I'm pissed. I set the table all nice thinking "Hey, this is a chance to say sorry and make everything alright again." and here I am, knocked off my feet because my father got so drunk that he can't drive. So I get my cell and start calling my mother who picks up, and then for some odd reason hangs up on me. So now I'm more annoyed. I call her back three times, two of which I got her answering machine. So finally I talk to her and explain the situation. She's annoyed and tells me to go get him, and then we'll go pick up his car.
So I leave, finally making it to the place. And he's fucking LAYING DOWN on this seat in the main room, his head on the bag with the chinese food in it SLEEPING. Now I'm embaressed and baffled, and start shaking him, saying "Dad, get up!" He finally woke up, and slowly got up. I had to hold him because he could hardly walk. I helped him in the car and then I flippred out.

Me: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Him: J..us go..
-At this point I started crying-
Me: No! Do you even understand what I planned tonight? I set everything all nice, and I wanted to say I'm sorry, and fix everything, and you get so drunk that I have to help you?!
-He leans in and tries to hug me-
Me: No! Don't touch me!

We then drove in silence until we got home. I parked, grabbed the food, and helped him inside, and up the stairs, where he then turns to me and slaps me accross the face. I'm stunned, and I hold my cheek. He says "I DO..N..T NE..ED YOR HAL...P" And storms off to his room, or should I say stumbles. I couldn't help it, I broke down right there and started crying. I mean, wtf? I was trying to fucking help him! I didn't even do anything! And now I have a black and blue on my face. I hope that it's gone by the time Allan comes here.
So my mother finally got home at 11:30, and we went to get his car and all that shit. I just hope no one at work tomorrow says anything about my face. I had better cover it up with make-up.

Whatever, I don't care. I really don't anymore. -sigh-

This is how I feel.

2009-04-21T03:46:53Z

Not even going to lie, I cried when I wached that, because it's how I feel.

Abusive Relationship.

2009-04-14T17:44:50Z

Engel was silent as she looked up at the man she once loved more then anything. Blood slowly trickled down her jaw. She was still silent and so was he. She wouldn't be taking such abuse from him anymore. In a split second she was up, in his face, claws tightly around his neck. "Apologize!" She growled, lowly. He just stared, laughing the best he could as she squeezed his neck. She tossed him away, shaking her head. "If you wont apologize for all this abuse, all the things you've said and done...I'm gone." He rolled his eyes, and shrugged. "I don't care. I don't need you anyway."

Engel felt a pang in her chest, and almost felt as if she was going to pass out from the pain. She wiped the blood from her jaw, and felt a few tears fall down her cheeks. She was crying? Crying for what reason? A man who really does not love her? A man who could care less about her pain. She whipped her tears away, shaking her head before starting to talk away. "So be it." Then she was gone.

Drakio stood up, growling. "Fucking clingy bitch." All he wanted was 'his space'. So now she was going to give it to him. All the space he could ask for.

Sometimes.

2009-04-12T05:11:05Z

Sometimes I need you,
You and only you.

You'll never really understand,
All the pain you put me through.

Without love in my heart,
This is tearing me apart.

I needed you,
but you were never there,
I longed for you,
You were never here to care.

So sometimes I wonder,
If you lie,
But I will always know,
What I feel...inside.
- - - -

Happy Easter all, I know mine will suck.

Gah, worst nightmare ever.

2009-04-10T05:14:46Z

Jesus, what a dream. I had it yesterday, and man..I just couldn't sleep after that dream.

So it was strange, Andrea had called me and said she was in Boston and that she wanted me to come and hang out with her, so I did. Though, she was in this horrible, bad part of Boston with all these whore houses and such. It was so dark, I was actually scared. Well, Andrea wasn't acting like her normal retarded self. She was acting crazy[in a bad way]. Like she was running up and down, up ladders and such, telling me this horrible story about a whore house that had young girls who were raped every night. I finally couldn't take it anymore and ran away from here. I stopped to catch my breath by a wall, and on the wall there was a picture of a devil with razor sharp teeth, With the name "Jagonate" on it, then under it in small letters in blood it said "Never speak his name". I don't know what made me say it, but I said his name out loud, and then he appeared in front of me, pinned me to the wall, ripped off my clothing and started ripping appart my stomach with his teeth. Then as I'm crying and screaming andrea walks by saying "Shouldn't have said his name." I felt very betrayed and hurt. But it just felt so real. x-x

So I haven't bothered even turning my laptop on much this week. After Tuesday I really had no point. I need to catch up on Heroes and Lie To Me. Meh. Been playing a lot of video games, and hanging with Andrea. Yeah, scareing the shit out of myself and Andrea as we play Silent Hill 3. Lawl, fun stuff.

Uhn, work tomorrow, and Saturday. I have Sunday off 'Cause of Easter. So yeah..that's it.

And she goes down hill again, and she hits rock bottom.

2009-04-07T09:06:45Z

I wish I was a superhero,
Just for thirty minutes,
So I could get the yard work done,
And my dad would stop bitching.

I wish I was a superhero,
If only for a few hours,
I'd fly so fast to work,
I'd have to leave on the exact hour.

I wish I was a superhero,
If only for a day,
You'd actually fucking notice me,
And I wouldn't cry all day.

I wish I was a superhero,
Just for a while,
I know you'd actually love me,
If I was much, much stronger.

I wish I was a superhero,
Maybe forever,
Just so I could give you up,
And never feel this hurting.
----

I wish I was a superhero, then maybe you'd see how badly you actually hurt me.

Voice Post

2009-04-06T00:47:19Z

I never was important.

2009-04-03T16:49:46Z

So hey, yeah, totally not posting those things anymore. No one fills them out. =[

So, yeah, feeling very unimportant, hurt, and sad.
I'm good at hiding it in real life, though.
Well, I mean, I already cried at like 4am. so.
I'm just feeling more and more...suicidal.
I guess that makes me stupid, emo, or whatever you'd want to call it.
I just don't understand what's wrong with me, and why no one wants to be with me.
And it's really starting to hurt me a lot.

I dunno, maybe it'd be better if I died...
Then I wouldn't bother anyone anymore, or annoy anyone.
I just...I just want to feel like someone cares again..
Maybe it'll help me through this before I do something stupid.

Anyway, got work tonight, 5-9.
Interview tomorrow at 2, then after that work at 5-9.
So yeah, I'll have my schedule for next week hopefully today or tomorrow.
That's if I can get out of this depression.
I wonder if anyone from work would come to my funeral?
That's it for now.
I'm going to go lay down and be lonely until 4:00, since I know no one will bother talking to me.